The last one is walking walking walking. Circles around me like a cute little vulture always waiting for me to drop more food into his little boy mouth. The oldest on the eve of his eighth birthday is pouring over intricate lego concoctions and his fourth helping of dinner. The middles are picking picking picking at each other….the smallest of things to wage the largest of wars. All these boys full of light and life and filling me up with thanks. Even when they are all screaming or whining or wrestling or bleeding, that means there is life, so I’m thankful.
In the midst of these gifts, these precious PERFECT gifts from the Father…. The Light, Jesus himself, exposes what’s really haunting my heart this Halloween. It seems silly when I speak it out loud. Others may think judgemental thoughts, thinking me crazy not to just relish in all the boy beauty before me. And I do. Trust me, I do. Moment by moment I bow my heart and give thanks for all this grace poured out. But there is a root and I pray writing it out is another way to keep chopping it OUT of the depths of me. As if weeping raw and open on the altar wasn’t enough. It wasn’t, confession was just the first step…..
We had a guest preacher that day, and if I’m going to be totally honest, I had low expectations. *Palm to face.* Never again. Here is this man, laying his heart out bear. He lost his sister to cancer after months of prayer and giving the Lord theological fist in the air kind of lectures on why it was Biblical to heal her. And when he started listening he heard that still small voice of our Lord saying “What if I don’t? Will you still love me? Will you still trust me?” Insert large buckets under eyes to catch uncontrollable tears streaming down face of blond girl in second row, aka me. I walk to the altar like my life depends on it, feeling that no other chair in that whole place will do. Here comes the root I was blind to or just completely ignoring out of sheer guilt. These beautiful boys have filled up our home and we look at them and see gift after gift of grace. AND, there is a part of my soul that yearns deep and hard for a daughter. There is the root, an angry one. Why had the giver of all good things not answered this cry for a daughter? Why do we feel this beautiful baby season closing and still no girl? The longing for tea parties and sharing a love of dance and cooking and roses, the wedding dress shopping and the teaching her how to be a mother and a wife, the tears still stream (mind you over things that are never guaranteed). Because he hasn’t. And what if he doesn’t? Will I still love him? Will I still trust that HE has the best for me? Am I willing to die to all my desires and fix my whole entire being upon Jesus and know that HE is ALL I need. That in him I shall NEVER be in want (Ps23). I’m just dying there on my knees. Dying to every part of me that is not of Him. And here as I write and consider him, I die a little more and love him a little deeper. He is the Good Shepherd, I shall not be in want.
So mommy friends, there is a little piece of my soul tonight. Any roots lurking below the surface that need to be ripped out to make room for truth that can grow and bear beautiful fruit? Many around us celebrate darkness on Halloween, will you celebrate light with me? Jesus himself comes into the darkest parts of us and its there we find healing and hope. May we only thirst for Jesus friends.